Sometimes you lose. Some of you are going to dislike what I say next, and you're going to write to cheer me up and remind me that there really is no such thing as losing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But tonight I feel like saying it.
Tonight, I feel like I lost.
I'm back for my second 3 day run in Chicago, and the theater and I are trying to build an audience for my show comedic show, Man 1. But tonight there were about 11 or 12 people in the audience. The theater holds 375. So 364 empty seats.
Millions of people in Chicago and 11 came out for my show. You could probably get more people out if you told them the theater was going to catch on fire half way through the show. Or if you told people a very very very sucky show was going to happen - the most sucky show they'd ever seen. I've got to believe more than 11 people would pay a measly $22 to see that.
If you left the doors of the theater open all day with a sign that said, Do Not Enter, I think you'd draw more than 11 people.
It's hard to do comedy for 364 empty seats. Seriously. I grin and bear it. I try my best to rise above it, and for all intensive purposes I do. I give it my all. It's truly the only way to survive the disappointment.
But after the show, I'm a bit crushed.
Chicago's a hard nut to crack in theater. I've got zippo reputation in the town. It's not like I've been performing around building a fan base here or making friends. People don't know me from Adam here.
It hasn't been a bright year for MAN 1. I've only gotten to perform the show 8 or 9 times in 3 different cities. Compare that to 50 or 60 shows all over the map last year. ... Sometimes things take a step backwards.
So... what to think? What to do?
Well, I've got another show tomorrow and Saturday night. 8 people tonight doesn't bode too well for the next two nights. Might have 30-40 people in my audiences next. A far cry from the 300-500 people I played for on average last year.
Well, my motivation tomorrow and Saturday night will be on my performance. Tonight, many spots felt artificial as is what can easily happen when your performing for what is basically wall. But the bright parts of tonight were a handful of "moments" where my performance slipped into that magical, mysterious groove that can only be called "the perfect present." About 5 moments where I became seamlessly in lock-step with "a flow" that was pure perfection. Same lines but delivered and performed somehow in unison with a melody or rhythm that was magical. When it happens, you can absolutely feel it. I think it's the holy grail of all actors. It goes beyond perfect timing or delivery and becomes melding with a Truth. Instead of delivering a line you somehow attain living out a True moment in front of people, and your whole being and body speaks fluently.
So that's what tomorrow will be about. And that excites me. To return to the stage and seek a truer performance. To try and live out real moments on stage. To try and break free from lines and performance and instead become Truth, fluency and spark.
Maybe tomorrow night will be the night I break all boundaries and somehow fly to a whole new level of performance. Maybe, because you never know when you'll break through. But it's a hope that always dangles there as a real possibility.
I enjoy performance so much because it's seductive but oh so elusive. It makes you work for it.
But 8 people. Ah, I do get disappointed. I imagine so much more - so many more. And reality gives me a cold slap now and again. What to do? What to do? Well, I know enough to keep doing what I love because what goes down, must come up.
Sharing Success,
PMarvel
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11/23/2008 - Free to move about the cabin
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07/26/2008 - Co-Creating
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07/04/2008 - Your Independence Play
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07/02/2007 - Final Stretch
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06/11/2005 - Tension & Resolve
06/10/2005 - Love Every Moment
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08/31/2004 - Dream ON!